Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 12/15/15

Heading off for yet another procedure – this one is a Vitamin C IV meant to boost her immune system – Yolanda arrives at the doctor with Erika, one of the new girls. I’ll get to Erika in just a second, but before I do, I have to say that all of the treatments Yolanda is experimenting with are making me nervous for her. If your body is not responding or getting any better, shocking your system with weekly colonics and IV drips and yanking your teeth out might not be the very best ideas, but then again, what do I know? (What do I know? I know that this is a franchise where way too many women are way too willing to discuss the details of their colons.) As for Erika, she is very blonde and she has been friends with Yolanda for a long time. Erika is all about looking her best and she considers doing so a no-brainer because she has access to a shitload of her husband’s money. She sits down after Yolanda to get some Vitamin C pumped into her own veins and I have to wonder if there are other girlfriends who do this sort of thing with one another on a random Thursday afternoon while my friends and I tend to do sh*t like work and then maybe grab a latte.

Away from needles and ensconced in a restaurant, Eileen and Lisa meet up. They are both decked out in leopard like they’re auditioning for Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate. Kyle shows up next and she is not wearing animal skins. She is dressed in pink and I don’t know if she bought her blouse in Europe or not, but Kyle maintains that her niece’s wedding was beautiful and she’s glad she went. But let’s table the discussion of the Kathy side of Kyle’s family and skid back into Kim Land, shall we? Eileen asks Kyle what’s going on with Kim and Kyle explains that Kim is once again back in rehab. She claims not to know the details about any of it, but Lisa brings up what we all read in the press: that Kim fled rehab and had herself both a fiesta and a siesta in Mexico and that she is dangerous and enough is f*cking enough when it comes to this addicted assh*le. I think there could be a point where I would feel that maybe Lisa Rinna is too laser focused on any of this, but just watching three seconds of the flashback where Kim flipped out on her during a long car ride scared me far straighter than Kim has ever been and I get Lisa’s emotional stake in the situation. As for Kyle, she feels guilty talking about her sister to Lisa Rinna and, to that end, I really must ask why she’d possibly continue to be on a television show where her sister’s compromised sobriety has been a storyline for years? I mean, if she genuinely feels so guilty, maybe she should retire from this show and go work instead as the spokesmodel for a company that knocks off Chanel.

Switching topics from one sick woman to another, Eileen tells Kyle that Yolanda looked tremendously ill when they saw her. The entire thing is confusing to Kyle because Yolanda is trying all of these potions and medications and nothing is working so perhaps she’s not suffering from the Lyme disease she claims to have. She tells the story again about how she felt legitimate physical aches and pains after the loss of her mother and that many of her ailments turned out to be purely psychosomatic and she’s wondering if maybe that’s a factor with Yolanda. As they have just seen the very pale woman with their own eyes – and her wall to wall closet stuffed with every pill available in the hemisphere – Lisa and Eileen believe Yolanda is genuinely sick so neither jumps onto the psychosomatic bandwagon with Kyle, who is dangling off of it just like she does with any issue. But it’s really okay that nobody is willing to drive that bandwagon because soon Taylor Armstrong will show up and she will hop into the driver’s seat and toot the horn and lift her massive lips up to the sunlight because nothing feels better than a gorgeous day where she can feel somewhat relevant again and if she can start some conflict too, that will just make the day better.

Leaving behind a table of suspicion and landing in the back of a limo with the two women I like best on this show is a relief. The Lisas are heading to Ohio to pick up Ken’s new horse and they board a private plane. Sitting in the small aircraft, Lisa V. hopes that the horse will be happy coming home to her perfect mansion and, though I feel sad for the horse because she is about to leave behind all that she knows, I can pretty much guarantee that she will end up having a rather glorious life at Chez Vanderpump. However, everything depends on whether or not the Lisas will even make it out of the tornado they’ve arrived into, but I think we can prematurely breathe a sigh of relief that they will be just fine. After all, had they been swept up and thrown clear to one of the Dakotas by the swift winds, we totally would have already heard about it on Watch What Happens Live. Andy Cohen can read society like a book and he knows when it’s time to host A Very Special Episode. Had the Beverly Hills Lisas been ravaged by a natural disaster, such an incident would absolutely qualify, proving that a Giudice heading off to jail is not needed for one of those episodes to transpire.

Back in Beverly Hills, we get to see Erika’s house for the first time. Her place is expansive and fancy and her husband is pretty old and they have been together now for over fifteen years. She came from nothing and she really appreciates having money, but she also seems aware that money doesn’t change who you are on the inside. Her husband is an incredibly powerful attorney and Erika knew full well that her intentions upon marrying the guy would be called into question but she doesn’t give a f*ck what anyone thinks. I kind of like Erika! Of course, I might craft a voodoo doll that looks remarkably like by season’s end, but I really hope not. I’m actually hoping to like the new girls on this show and I hope they stay on forever and prosper into fully divine beings, though all of that is mostly predicated by my fears that, should the newcomers not do well, Kim Richards will come back full time and my psyche cannot stand such a thing. It just cannot!

Back in Ohio, the Lisas arrive and are greeted by Rosebud, a mini horse that’s wearing a pink tutu. The animal is beautiful and Lisa V. settles into the grass to bond with her while Lisa R. chases chickens across the yard. Lisa R. thinks that Rosebud is a little paunchy, but the bigger problem is that Rosebud’s leg seems to be lame. Lisa wants to make sure the horse is healthy before she brings her home and methinks that Rosebud’s breeder is a tiny bit shady because she took the time to dress the animal like she was about to appear in a ballet recital but she took no time to be honest with the woman who is purchasing her. The ultimate decision will fall to Lisa about whether or not she will take the horse, lame leg and all, but she finally gives up and calls Ken. She comes clean about where she is and what she is doing and she tells Ken that she loves the horse and that it is the smallest horse around and she wants to know if he thinks she should bring the animal home. Ken wants it to be her decision. Lisa decides that she will bring the horse’s picture home to Ken and he can decide if he wants her after a vet looks her over and Lisa R. has now been stuck at that dusty farm for five hours with a horse that’s wearing a crinoline and sellers who might be liars and she is f*cking done and her cowboy hat stopped being amusing three hours ago so she all but runs into the limo while already dreaming of the cocktail she can toss down her throat while giggling that Kim Richards hasn’t gotten to drink any alcohol at all recently, except for that time she fled to Mexico.

At a dance studio, Erika’s Creative Director meets up with her. Turns out that – by night – Erika has an alter ego named Erika Jayne. Who is Erika Jayne? Oh, she’s class and ass and all woman all the time and she sings dance songs that are heavy on the autotune that nonetheless (or entirely because of it) have raced up the Billboard charts nine times. She appears for what I’m guessing is a rehearsal dressed in the kind of outfit that would have made Cher deliriously happy sometime around 1987, though I’m thinking that even Cher might furrow her brow (if her brow can indeed furrow anymore) when the dance instructor tells Erika to crawl across the floor on her hands and knees like she’s a tiger. But is it Erika or Erika Jayne who is crawling across the floor like a descendent of the feline family? Damn, this woman is complex as hell.