Since she returns home with no grazing pony as a gift, Lisa wants to make sure that the luncheon she’s throwing for her husband’s birthday goes off perfectly. Thank goodness Kevin Lee is there to calm her down and tell her that he can see her t*ts clear through her dress and that he is able to adorn every surface in the vicinity with purple organza and chiffon. It all kind of looks like a twelve-year-old girl’s bedroom just exploded – it’s just that purple. Now, I am all about Lisa throwing Ken a fabulous party – which he arrives at clutching several dogs – and I’m willing to overlook that everyone must wear a hat for no good reason at all because at least she provides trees lined with hat options for her guests and that’s a fun little touch. What I simply cannot overlook is that Lisa invited Taylor Armstrong to this party. I could give a sh*t that the whole thing was probably producer-manipulated. At this point in the show’s run, Lisa Vanderpump is a star and she should have been able to put her gorgeous foot down and refuse to give Taylor an invite because Taylor is a whining and preening jerk and I really thought we were all finally rid of her.
The real issue I have with Taylor is that desperation glistens on her skin like sweat that really smells. You can see her eyes boggling around in circles because she so badly wants to be back in the Housewives mix and she knows the game and that it will take her spewing out incendiary crap to virtual strangers to get a reaction that will make her appear viable again – and she is completely willing to do that. First though, Taylor tells Lisa that she is moving back to Beverly Hills and there is a house for sale right down the street and Lisa Vanderpump would sooner purchase that house herself and allow squatters with rabies to live inside of it before she will accept that Taylor could possibly move close enough to her that she might drop by one day for a cupful of Botox. The terror is slightly alleviated when Lisa R. shows up. She is carrying a horsey gift and she fake kisses Taylor hello and then looks straight at the camera and blurts out, “She’s got a bigger mouth than I do.” Camille is also there and everyone is dressed in white and nipples are everywhere and the former Housewives act like they miss one another and Taylor makes an adorable comment about how a storm is brewing with a devilish sparkle in her eye just as the rainclouds roll in menacingly.
The meal looks lovely but it’s all pissed upon when Taylor tells Lisa R. that she just doesn’t get what’s going on with Yolanda. She follows her on Instagram and she thinks it’s weird that her pictures vacillate from healthy to sick and she really doesn’t love clicking on pictures where Yolanda’s got a needle stuck in her arm. (That last point strikes me as somewhat fair.) Now, as I have said, I have no real opinion yet about what’s going on with Yolanda – but I do know that any opinion I have should be something she doesn’t need to care about or even consider. I know that many people think she’s not really physically sick at all but I’m not about to make that call because I have not followed her story. What I do know is that she has more pills and needles than a junkie and that she keeps doing a lot of sh*t to her body that I’m certain a large segment of the reputable medical community might frown at, but maybe she’s right and they’re all wrong. Maybe she is really sick – or perhaps she has lost her mind. I have no clue, but what I can’t stand is Taylor tossing this comment out just to make a scene because that’s the kind of thing that might make her a Real Housewife again and houses on Lisa Vanderpump’s street don’t come cheap, y’all.
It is Lisa R. who stands up for Yolanda and wonders why Taylor is telling her all of this when they don’t even know one another, though I’m certain that deep down, Lisa knows exactly why Taylor’s doing this. Lisa V. stands up next and gives a beautiful toast to Ken that includes a reference to 69-ing that everybody except for her children laugh at. The guy looks excited to roll around with his wife later and it’s probably a good thing Ken got his hips fixed before the big evening – though I just want to say that I really hope he puts the dogs down before everybody gets naked.
Bored by the tempered conversation and all the pastel hats, Kyle wades out into the pool and soon all of the women are swimming in their white dresses and it’s all fun and raucous until someone throws seventy year old Ken into the pool at full throttle and he lands with a stunned splash. The women come to his rescue and carry him to the shore. It’s really a shame that he can’t end the day by galloping off into the sunset on a horse in a tutu, but at least there’s a chance that he’s about to get laid.
Next time, Vince calls Eileen an idiot, Yolanda swallows more pills, and Lisa R. and Kyle bring up Munchausen Syndrome for the first time this season. Taylor appears nowhere in the coming attractions, and I really hope it’s because she has finally been put out to pasture forever.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.
I agree with everything you say,Steve, with one exception: I welcome the return of Kraykray Kimmy. I am mesmerized by the arrests, the drunken blubbering, the foot in mouth accompanied by vacant expressions, the entitled, oblivious to reality state of “mind”, the hateful accusations, and just general dirtbag that is Kim. I would lose interest watching rich women travel and enjoy life. I watch this kind of program to see the messes they make even though they have achieved some status….plus I love hearing your comments about the what goes on. Thanks for your informative and entertaining commentary. Kiss that doggie of yours for me. I appreciate your allowing my input too.