Sensing that Brandi has no idea what to say and that she will continue to make the exact same mistakes (though she might begin to substitute “slap” for “punch,” “push,” or “pee on”), Yolanda tells Lisa, “I guess we have to teach her slowly” about how to live life like a sane individual. Appearing immediately fatigued by just the suggestion of having to pretend they will have any luck teaching Brandi anything, Lisa looks directly into Yolanda’s eyes and says, “I don’t have any f*cking patience for that, Yolanda.”
Watching the two women discussing her latest senseless caper, Brandi is at least willing to admit, “I guess I take fun to a level that isn’t fun,” which is kind of the most obvious statement she can make after every person who has ever been stuck in a room with her for more than fifteen minutes has told her the very same thing. But at the same time that Brandi is finally exhibiting the smallest level of self-awareness ever exhibited since the days when we evolved from sea creatures, I find that I am remarkably distracted for two reasons. One, she might sort of be showing some personal growth here, but it won’t last and prior seasons have proven that. Two, I don’t know where this woman found fillers in Amsterdam, but I have never seen someone without a nut allergy appear so puffy in my entire life. What the f*ck is in her face? Botox? Homegrown Restylane? Ground up Royal Kush? A twenty-three year old’s sperm?
Ah, yes, it’s time to discuss Amesterboy, the blonde kid Brandi met in the Red Light District – I feel like I don’t really need a punchline here – who happens to have grown up with Max, Lisa Vanderpump’s son, a kid who finally became able to legally consume alcohol in the United States just two short years ago.
“I was up all night,” Brandi bawdily tells Kim, who responds by making the kinds of sounds a family of gorillas might make to indicate excitement. It also appears that she is trying very hard to form a sentence, maybe to let her best friend (who was kind enough to watch her relapse into temporary oblivion while on camera without holding Kim accountable for any of it) know that she fully supports Brandi’s choice to announce to a world that includes her children, her own parents, her children’s teachers, her sons’ friends and their parents, and her ex-husband’s lawyers that she has nailed a very young stranger and will do it again later that night.
Is there any way we can get Brandi’s kids into therapy now? Because having a mother who has no ability to see things as they truly are and less of an ability to hold herself liable for the damage that continues to befall her own life is the kind of sh*t that can haunt a kid forever.
Back at the hotel, two things are transpiring: Lisa V. is feeling very morose and very ready to return home to her mansion paradise and Brandi is preparing her brand new face for dinner with the women and then for her date with Andre, a guy who either wanted to appear on camera or get laid and he managed to find a scenario where he was able to achieve both, so congratulations, Andre! Your parting gift might cause some itching, though.
On the phone with Ken, Lisa reveals that Brandi slapped her, though she is very careful to indicate that it wasn’t a slap meant to be physically painful. Still, she felt violated by the whole thing and Ken sums up many a viewer’s thought by saying quite bluntly, “Get away from her,” and his voice is riddled with undiluted disgust as he speaks the words.
In another hotel room is Brandi, who is applying mascara when Yolanda knocks on her door. Yolanda arrives looking compassionate and chic and she clearly has something on her mind: that Brandi has done nothing but create total destruction for the entire trip.
“This is the third day and we haven’t gone one day without a problem,” sighs Yolanda, but she’s saying something valid to someone who doesn’t want to hear it, which is made entirely clear by Brandi’s immediate response.
“And that’s all my fault?” asks the fool who has targeted every single person on that trip, who has screamed in city streets about hypocrisy, who has slapped a woman across the face after screaming bloody murder when one of Kyle’s fingernails once grazed her arm, and who has not said a single word about the fact that she spoke openly about Kim having relapsed.
“It’s not all your fault, but you seem to be the common person everybody is upset with right now,” Yolanda explains and I can almost see that she is breathing in through her nose and exhaling through her mouth in an effort to remain calm.
And it’s right about here where I have to say that I think that maybe everyone is taking the wrong approach with Brandi Glanville.
I get it. See, it would also be my first instinct to sit that woman down and explain to her logically and rationally and with colored illustrations that her behavior has been beyond ridiculous and nowhere close to being socially acceptable and that if she’s trying to secure herself a contract for another year on this series, she should act incendiary and provocative but not like a f*cking lunatic. But that kind of discussion will not work with someone like Brandi, as Yolanda is seeing right now and as everyone else has already seen. No, what Brandi probably requires to make herself change is a scenario like this one:
__________________________________________________________
EXT. – BOAT – EVENING
Brandi slaps Lisa across the face. Lisa holds her hand to her cheek and looks stunned by what just happened.
BRANDI
Now hit me!
LISA
Okay, say night-night!
Lisa hauls back and cold-clocks Brandi clear across the face and then steps over her limp body. Then she leans down to the comatose woman lying on the floor of the boat.
LISA
(whispering)
Remind me to ask you how your teeth taste.
FADE OUT.
__________________________________________________________
Now, I’m not a fan of violence. I have never been in a physical fight in my entire life, but I’m thinking the above scenario might be the only chance of Brandi realizing that it’s maybe not so funny to smack a friend across the face. Yolanda’s measured words and constant loyalty to her are not getting through; maybe Lisa’s fist can do the job.
But back in the hotel room – where no brawling is taking place –
Yolanda continues to reiterate that Brandi’s apologies don’t mean anything anymore because there have been too many and nothing has changed and now they are all about to embark on yet another awkward dinner.
“Then I won’t go,” says Brandi, just barely stopping herself from spitting out a “so there!” and Yolanda just smiles at her serenely while Brandi adds, “I’ll just go on my date. I’ll have a better time. It is what it is.”
“I know,” responds Yolanda with a sigh, “but it’s just exhausting.”
“Just as much for me,” says the imbecile.
Yolanda gazes then at the friend before her who started this conversation by asking if she was getting a “mom lecture” and the expression on her face indicates that she pretty much knows that Brandi is a lost cause and she later notes to the camera that Brandi’s response was that of a child so she simply hugs the sphincter goodbye and then leaves the room so Brandi can go apply some more makeup.
“The thought of spending the night with a twenty-three year old hunk or five menopause mommas?” she wonders to the camera. “I think I’m gonna pick the hunk.” She has learned exactly nothing from her dear friend’s latest discussion with her, so instead she smiles at the knowledge that at least she is still youthful enough to get her period and to have been photographed with a tampon string hanging out of her thong on a night when she got trashed and photographed. (Seriously: Google “Brandi Glanville” and “tampon.” I’m sorry in advance for that image never leaving your psyche.)
Wonderful recap! Thank you again. Poor Kyle will never find closure because the facts are not what Kim is reacting to. Her reality is built of resentment designed to deny remorse. Kyle can’t fix it because she has no part in it to begin with.
As always, great recap! 🙂 Do you think the producers will keep Kim and Brandi around since they create the most ridiculous, delusional drama of anyone on the show? Or have they gone too far this time? I want to fast forward through their scenes but then I’m missing most of the show!
@jojobe and @bonniek Thank you! My guess is that Kim will absolutely be back next year — all of that happiness she talks about in her opening tagline requires a paycheck and she is trained to do nothing else besides cry to a camera — but I’m not sure about Brandi. If it is HER choice, my guess is that she will definitely stay. She requires attention to live now. But she’s become divisive in a way that is not so fun anymore and she has taken public shots at the wrong people. They could get rid of her — and my guess is that she’ll then end up on a VH1 or E! reality show called something idiotic like “Unfiltered.”
Best recap! Really exasperated by Brandi and Kim, I sincerely hope they cut them loose. Lets trade in Brandi for Camille. I would like to see her again, post Kelsey. Put Kim on Ice floe for someone new or get Adrienne back if she promises to be in a better mood, and brings Paul back with her. Yes!