Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/17/15

March 18th, 2015 | 4 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

The dinner without Brandi (the physical Brandi; her ghost still manages to loom over the meal like whatever it is that smells badly that you can’t seem to locate from wherever it’s hiding in the back of your refrigerator) goes beautifully. The women are joined by Yolanda’s brother and his wife and they laugh and listen to one another tell stories and nobody gets punched or threatened and the wine all stays in the glasses and a shooting star goes soaring across the sky and forms into a giant “B” that then disintegrates as fast as it appears because the heavens simply refuse to allow that sh*t to happen.

It comes out over dinner that Brandi is on another date with this kid and Lisa is mildly aghast, knowing her son – a friend of Brandi’s date – will hear all about it.

“Dutch boys don’t kiss and tell,” smiles Yolanda.

“This one will,” Lisa responds cheekily. “He’ll squeal like a piglet.”

And “piglet” is a rather apt choice for this guy who arrives so late to meet up with his still-egg-developing date that Brandi has to sit there and read the menu like it’s the newspaper. She appeared ready to search under the table for an Splenda packet to peruse next when her date finally enters the room. He is equal parts pretend-suave and smarmy, but Brandi doesn’t really notice or care because she is already drunk by the time he gets there, looking sweaty and loose-limbed and she tells her scooter-riding soul mate that she only kisses guys between the ages of twenty and twenty-five and guys in their fifties.

Somewhere in the distance I can hear a gathering of men, ages twenty-six through forty-nine, chanting mantras of thanks for being ignored by Ms. Glanville.

Brandi and the toddler sit and discuss how fun it was to kiss last night and then Brandi asks him for another kiss and she tells him he’s a really good kisser – which means his recent games of Spin the Bottle in his friend’s basement proved helpful – and he tells her that tonight will be a better night and to finish her drink and would she like it if he showed her around, a line she giggles at, and it all reminds me of how smooth I thought this guy in high school was who would always ask me to “go take a walk” with him at parties and how, by February of tenth grade, I stopped thinking he was smooth and started laughing at his approach. But see – laughing and giggling are two very different things and off goes Brandi into the night with the only person in Amsterdam who doesn’t want to drown her in a canal.

But back in Beverly Hills, things are not going so well for Brandi. She just got word that her father is in the hospital with heart complications and she looks devastated and frightened. Yolanda meets with her as she gets a facial and tries to be supportive but the conversation quickly veers back to how unfair it is that Brandi gets called out for all of the things that she says when nobody else does and look, I know I don’t like her, but her argument doesn’t hold up. You simply can’t compare her unrelenting awful behavior with the other women either reacting to it or having their own brief moments of bitchery because they are in fact two very different things and it’s like watching someone compare a pair of stilettos with a jar of Nutella. There are good and bad things about both, but it’s not any kind of normal or effective comparison. With Brandi, it’s the sheer volume of what she says about people and how she is always ready to strike and the way she has shrugged her shoulders for years (decades?) and said, “If someone hits at me, I go lower.” It’s that she never knows when to stop. It’s that she is a terrible drinker and the way to stop the comments is to either stop drinking, eat more carbs when she does drink, or morph into an entirely different person because this person has become a f*cking nightmare.

“I’m sick of the lectures. I’m sick of the bullsh*t,” wails Brandi and Yolanda calmly explains that Brandi has had an issue with each of the women individually.

Yolanda is a woman able to recognize patterns.

Brandi is a woman able to recognize the key differences between the penis of a twenty-four year old and a fifty-four year old.

I do, of course, hope that Brandi’s father’s health has improved and I also hope that her own mental health has improved, but at this point I’m only holding out real hope that one of them will actually happen.

Across town – in a scenario that’s almost hilarious in how contrived it clearly is – Kim arrives at a venue where Adrienne Maloof will be holding some upcoming extravaganza. I’m just going to say this: there’s a good possibility that I might not sleep between now and next Monday because I am far too excited by the idea to getting to watch another Adrienne Maloof party. Will there be red velvet flavored vodka? Will her ex-husband dangle from a tree? Will she have yet another layer of her skin peeled off before the festivities? Will Faye Resnick be there?!

Even funnier than thinking about what Adrienne’s urine might smell like after downing shots of her Maloof-sponsored vodka or what kind of a reptile Faye Resnick might now most resemble since we have seen her last is the fact that the producers of this show clearly want us to believe that Adrienne and Kim get together to talk about deep and personal things all the time. Of course they do! Who would you call during a crisis if not Kim Richards?

But if Adrienne planned to say even a single word, she was out of luck because this is the Kim Show, and I am quite willing to guess that she has some theme song playing in her mind while she tells Adrienne the story of being confronted by Lisa Rinna in Amsterdam and how her sister didn’t defend her and look, I know this scene was probably very heavily edited, but what are the chances that Kim actually told Adrienne the entire story, including that she threatened Lisa and told Eileen that she hated her face?

(By the way, the words “I don’t like your face” have become my newest favorite insult. As an expression of derision, it has now surpassed calling a douchebag “a douchebag” or even wishing someone permanent impotence. I have now resolved to use my new favorite insult in a sentence at least four times per week – five during the summer because the days are longer.)

Across town, Kyle and Lisa Rinna are eating some kale and Lisa tells Kyle that she still feels so f*cked up about what happened in Amsterdam with Kim. Lisa seems pretty done with the crazier Richards, but she realizes that Kyle, who has not spoken to Kim since returning to California, can’t just cut the woman out of her life because – due to the very worst bit of genetic luck that has ever transpired inside of an ovary – Kim is her sister. Lisa also informs Kyle that Brandi told her that she was also worried about Kim but that she was reluctant to even broach a question about her sobriety because she’s afraid that being held accountable might send Kim over the edge. It’s really very sad that Kim is either so delicate that she can’t handle her own life or that she has managed to manipulate everyone so completely to believe such a thing so she can spin through life without having to answer a single question about how very questionable she is.

But Kyle is not really reacting to the fact that the person who is now the closest friend that Kim has – saddest sentence ever – is concerned about her sister. No, what Kyle snatches onto in her sometimes-adolescent mind is that Brandi has been talking about Kim and so that means that Brandi is really not a good friend and now Kyle has proof and her hair gets a little shinier while she tries to figure out the very best time to reveal Brandi’s duplicity to her broken older sister.

Before we get to the latest conflict between two sisters who genuinely loathe each other (I’m sure they love each other, too – but these two also f*cking loathe one another) we join Lisa Vanderpump at her new restaurant where she is presiding over a wedding between two very handsome men. Lisa recently got ordained and she has decided to only officiate gay weddings and she does a lovely job and I almost cried when we left that happy space to go spiraling into the dry hell of Palm Desert with Kim and Kyle.

Knowing that they should really try to work things out – again – Kyle invites Kim to join her for a night at her sprawling new house in the desert. It’s a large place that manages to look both rustic and modern and Kyle walks around and lights candles and tiki torches while waiting for Kim to arrive and I cannot possibly be the only person who looked at all of that fire and got a little bit nervous. It will be the first time that Kim sees the house, and when she does, she says the following: “I think it’s a beautiful home. God bless them. Enjoy it,” and she says those words with the least amount of warmth or believability ever witnessed on television or in person and maybe this is yet another reason why Kim should only communicate with others through interpretive dance because she simply cannot manage to effectively pull of language.

4 thoughts on “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap – 3/17/15

  1. Wonderful recap! Thank you again. Poor Kyle will never find closure because the facts are not what Kim is reacting to. Her reality is built of resentment designed to deny remorse. Kyle can’t fix it because she has no part in it to begin with.

  2. As always, great recap! 🙂 Do you think the producers will keep Kim and Brandi around since they create the most ridiculous, delusional drama of anyone on the show? Or have they gone too far this time? I want to fast forward through their scenes but then I’m missing most of the show!

  3. @jojobe and @bonniek Thank you! My guess is that Kim will absolutely be back next year — all of that happiness she talks about in her opening tagline requires a paycheck and she is trained to do nothing else besides cry to a camera — but I’m not sure about Brandi. If it is HER choice, my guess is that she will definitely stay. She requires attention to live now. But she’s become divisive in a way that is not so fun anymore and she has taken public shots at the wrong people. They could get rid of her — and my guess is that she’ll then end up on a VH1 or E! reality show called something idiotic like “Unfiltered.”

  4. Best recap! Really exasperated by Brandi and Kim, I sincerely hope they cut them loose. Lets trade in Brandi for Camille. I would like to see her again, post Kelsey. Put Kim on Ice floe for someone new or get Adrienne back if she promises to be in a better mood, and brings Paul back with her. Yes!

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