It all starts okay – sort of. Kim talks about how hard it is watching her ex-husband’s declining health and neither sister has tried to rip a fistful of the other’s hair out, but it all devolves quickly. How could it not? After all, not only is Kyle hurt that Kim is off her f*cking rocker and blaming everybody but herself for it, but Kim is still galled by the fact that Kyle didn’t defend her after she innocently threated to expose all of Lisa Rinna’s secrets and then told Eileen how much she hated her face.
“I’m not the same person I was three years ago,” Kim says in her unsteady voice to remind Kyle how ridiculous it is for her or anybody else to even question her cracked-out behavior. “I’ve changed.”
The thing is, Kim has not changed. Maybe she’s not drinking or taking pills or smoking or whatever it is that she used to do, but her aversion to the truth and her deflecting of blame and her oversensitivity to problems she has created are all the very markings of an addict.
“I didn’t need you to defend me in Amsterdam,” Kim sniffs at Kyle, even though she has recently used of all of her energy to form sentences indicating just how furious she is that her sister didn’t defend her atrocious behavior. “Brandi defended me!”
Now look: there’s no doubt that Kim said exactly those words to hurt her sister, but maybe what’s even worse is that Kyle fell for it. A woman who can not stop from bawling her eyes out during a confrontation, Kyle actually allows herself to be taken down Brandi Road, but this time she packs herself some trail mix and a canteen filled with expensive wine that she all but takes a swig of in front of her dry-knuckling sober sister and snidely says, “Yeah, she’s a real good friend,” and then tells her that Brandi has discussed Kim’s questionable sobriety with “everyone,” including Kim’s newest arch nemesis, Lisa Rinna.
Kyle says all of those things to Kim with just a wee bit too much satisfaction and it’s a little disgusting because that moment was not at all about alerting Kim to a real issue. That moment was about getting back at her for all that she has done to Kyle, which Kim kind of deserves because she is truly awful and dangerous to have around, but let’s nobody pretend that this particular scenario was really about Kyle protecting her lost sister.
But who cares about how Kim’s addiction almost ruined her life and the lives of everyone in her path or the fact that Brandi might have claimed that Kim needs an intervention pronto because there’s way more important things to discuss, like how this little detente is taking place in the desert, the very location where Kyle STOLE KIM’S GODDAMN HOUSE.
The quick backstory for those of you lucky enough not to know it: when their mother died, she left her desert house to all three sisters. Kyle and her husband bought the other two out and, at the last minute, Kim decided she wanted to keep the house too but the deal was done and Kim has harbored a stinging and scorching resentment about the House Incident ever since – which is odd since she usually gets over things so quickly.
“I haven’t brought up the house in a long time,” Kim says, and her voice sounds like an three-year-old who is stomping his feet on the floor in frustration whose parents try to explain that he should try to use his words. And can I please just say that I personally find nothing more infuriating than a person who says something like, “I haven’t even mentioned that thing you don’t want me to mention.”
Where is Lisa Vanderpump’s fist when I need it?
In Kim’s warped memory, Kyle took the house away from her and used the money of the sale of that house to purchase this beautiful home where she gets to be surrounded by her husband and her children and her friends and her tiki torches and it’s all Kyle’s fault that Kim doesn’t have any of that, and it’s not at all related to the choices Kim has made for herself over the years and if you think that, you are just mean.
But Kyle – and either bless her for trying or shame on her already for continuing to engage in this nonsense – tries to explain yet again that they couldn’t stop the deal at that point because they were already in escrow and that’s when Kim literally shrieks, “You’re lying!” and the whole thing is so f*cking bizarre that I literally pressed the pause button on my television and stared at my dog’s sweet face for a good thirty seconds just to prove that there was still some good in the world.
“You weren’t in the position at the time to share a mortgage,” Kyle explains to Kim, but saying something so obviously legitimate only further sends Kim over the edge and into a place where shrieking banshees twirl in circles and tell Kim how much they idolized her back when she was a star.
“Talk about your own sh*t,” Kim whispers menacingly to her dear sister, once again bringing to light that the real issue in her mind is not that Kim’s questionable lifestyle and personal struggles caused her not to be in a financial position to keep a house she so desperately wanted; the real issue is that Kyle has the audacity to mention it, and there is really no way that these two women will ever move forward. Does such a prediction sound too harsh? Well, then consider how these sisters speak to one another in this mature exchange:
“I am so tired of your lies,” says Kim.
“Well, no one else sees it that way,” sniffs Kyle.
“Everybody sees it that way – including your close friends,” sneers Kim, and then I think she then sang, “na na na na na na,” but I might have just hallucinated that part.
The night ends with Kyle weeping in her kitchen and Kim coming in to tell her that she will always love her, which means that – again – nothing has been resolved and that the upcoming finale and the twelve-part Reunion and next season will revolve around this same horsesh*t and when it comes to these Housewives, I no longer see any reason to have any more hope.
I have lost hope that Brandi will ever change into a person who is able to be decent for more than seven consecutive seconds.
I have lost hope that Yolanda will finally say to her, “You’re a f*cking liability and I’m cutting you loose.”
I have lost hope that Kim will apologize to Eileen’s face for insulting it.
I have lost hope that Lisa Vanderpump will ever officiate my wedding because she only marries couples that are homosexual and I am holding out for a guy even better Amsterdam Andre.
And I have lost all hope that a reconciliation will happen between two sisters who, after all of this heartache, are still willing to peddle their misery on television for our consumption and then wonder why things have not gotten better.
Feeling such a loss of hope is awful, but there are ways to remedy such a thing. I’m going to go slip on some stilettos and eat a jar of Nutella with a f*cking spoon and remind myself that next week I’ll get to watch an Adrienne Maloof party, which means that both laughter and really sh*tty vodka are just around the garish corner.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.
Wonderful recap! Thank you again. Poor Kyle will never find closure because the facts are not what Kim is reacting to. Her reality is built of resentment designed to deny remorse. Kyle can’t fix it because she has no part in it to begin with.
As always, great recap! 🙂 Do you think the producers will keep Kim and Brandi around since they create the most ridiculous, delusional drama of anyone on the show? Or have they gone too far this time? I want to fast forward through their scenes but then I’m missing most of the show!
@jojobe and @bonniek Thank you! My guess is that Kim will absolutely be back next year — all of that happiness she talks about in her opening tagline requires a paycheck and she is trained to do nothing else besides cry to a camera — but I’m not sure about Brandi. If it is HER choice, my guess is that she will definitely stay. She requires attention to live now. But she’s become divisive in a way that is not so fun anymore and she has taken public shots at the wrong people. They could get rid of her — and my guess is that she’ll then end up on a VH1 or E! reality show called something idiotic like “Unfiltered.”
Best recap! Really exasperated by Brandi and Kim, I sincerely hope they cut them loose. Lets trade in Brandi for Camille. I would like to see her again, post Kelsey. Put Kim on Ice floe for someone new or get Adrienne back if she promises to be in a better mood, and brings Paul back with her. Yes!